So, I lie here in my bed, the same bed I have laid in most nights for 19 years, and I realize, I have gone back to normality, this is a very rare occasion for any individual, I'm sure you've at least once looked upon a point in your life and thought, "yeah I'd like to go back there, at least for a while" I often do this with the memories of my time in 6th form, where all my friends were in the quiet room every dinner hanging out, all of my friends in the world, in one room, every day. Now if I want to see any of my friends from my hometown I have to arrange a time and place to meet or see them, and no-one can ever all make it on the same day, it's pretty upsetting... I digress.
So yeah, I moved to America, I studied abroad for 5 months at Pacific University Oregon, moving there was... bewildering, it was kinda like packing up and just going to University for the first time, had the same feeling of excitement, the feeling of loneliness as you think you're not going to see your family for a while, just these feelings were multiplied by about 5 times. I had some truly great times over there, some of the greatest moments of my life, I saw Hollywood, I have dreamed about seeing that place for a long time, I met two of my idols, I met some great people over there, and mainly, I saw a little piece of the world that I hadn't before, I was on an adventure which was pretty exhilarating. Now on the other hand, those feelings of loneliness were also multiplied, I had never been away from my family for so long in my life, whenever things got too crazy at York St John (the university I go to that offered the placement) I could always go home, eat some free food, tell my mum about my problems and have her tell me everything would be alright, I couldn't do that in this case, I couldn't call because my phone didn't work in America, and I couldn't even skype home because the internet was so shite, so my only communication to anyone from England was via E-mail or facebook, so when I had a problem, I didn't have anyone to tell me it was gonna be alright, and I definitely had some problems whilst over there. At one point I just wanted to go home, I was fired from the school play, which I had devoted hours of rehearsal time to, I had no money, and my visa didn't permit me to work in the country. I was pretty miserable, I just wanted to call my mum and have her tell me it would be okay but I couldn't even to that. At that point, as I was poor and miserable in a country smack on the other side of the world from England, something happened, I decided that, I'm just gonna have to deal with it on my own, I'm gonna have to sort everything out myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I was helped by my mother who sent money whenever she could, as did my auntie and grandma and I love them all for it, but these were not solutions to the problems, I had to sort myself, and everything around out, and I did. I told the play to fuck off, I decided that I didn't need the play to be happy, that I had benefitted from it, as from the rehearsals I had learned that I actually have a really great singing voice, this built my confidence and I took that as a plus, and used the time that I would have spent on rehearsing to focus on the Film I was currently directing, I managed to eventually call England and sort out the money that the government should have given me months before, and mainly, I realized that none of these things really mattered, they only mattered if I made them important, I decided to just let all my worries go, and they did, they went, and never came back, that was a real turning point in my life, whether you agree or not, it was in intense situation to be in, and I pushed through it, by letting go of all that was bothering me, and just relaxing.
Try it next time everything gets too much, just think, is this so important that its worth being upset over? Does being upset over something ever make it better? Just be strong and let it all go, and just be happy with the moment and enjoy yourself.
"Tear myself up, start again with a brand new name" - Mars
Shit, I really did digress there.
So as I was saying, I have now returned to the norm, I was on an adventure, many times remembering the good times at York my friends there, the pubs and clubs etc, and now I'm back, I can return to that life, just the way it was, I came back from America thinking everything would have changed as much as I did, but everything was exactly the same, the question is, do I want it all to be the same? Will I be happy returning to the norm? God knows I love my friends and I can't wait to go back to York and see them, but going to the same pubs and clubs and having the same life I left 6 months ago, won't it grow tiresome?
Maybe I need another adventure...
-J
Provehito In Altum
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